Valid Fears

My entire world changed on March 30. I know that other parents of special needs children, children with disabilities, parents who have lost children, children born prematurely will all say that they feel the same way. All three of my children were preemies and all three were in the NICU. I know what it is to have fears and concerns when it comes to your children. I think that if they are your fears then they are valid, no one can push them aside and say "that's silly". Just like an opinion, everyone is entitled.

Thomas has outbursts. He's autistic and I don't think that I have read about or encountered many autistic children that at some point have not had an outburst of some kind. Lately he is very taken with his older brother and wants to do everything that he does. This is ok for the most part, but his brother needs some time too. I've said before that I really think my other two children need an outlet, friends. Yesterday we went to the pool. Thomas loves the pool and he enjoys the water. Luckily in the morning there was a friend for Thomas and his brother. This worked out great and Thomas left his older brother alone so that he could have some time to himself. I got along great with only a minor meltdown in the beginning. I decided that the pool was going so great the last couple of weeks, we'd go back yesterday evening. Only this time there was someone for Thomas' brother and sister but not for Thomas. This happens, right? Of course it does! Only problem is that Thomas doesn't understand, receptive language is low for him. Explaining to him why his brother needs a moment or can't play with him right now causes a meltdown. He doesn't get it. He began thrashing in the pool and screaming with about 15-20 other people looking on. We attempted to calm, many times over. We took him out of the pool, my husband swam with him, the end result was more screaming and us leaving.

My fears are.... well there are many. I fear that someone will see this and call the police, lucky for me I know them all. I fear they will think we hurt him when in reality, it's just how every day life is. I work with him to help him understand but if I could show you his IQ score you would see that he is extremely intelligent until you get to his receptive language. I fear that other people will not want to associate with him, with his siblings and eventually with us. Silly.....yes, but my valid fear. Have you ever heard someone say "oh my daughter has an autistic child in her class or a handicapped kid in her class, etc" ?  Now don't get me wrong because there is nothing wrong with this, but I have to say that I wonder if the mother's from last year have said that.....and Thomas is "that kid".

Maybe I'm not saying everything the way that I'm feeling it, it's harder when you try to write it. I don't care what others think, I'm past that point. However, yesterday what was so gut wrenching was the look on people's faces as I tried with all my might to help him and even I as his mother can't do anything. I have to watch him violently thrash in the pool and scream. No, I didn't care what they thought, not about me anyway... the thought running through my mind was what will happen when he's older, what happens to him one day when I'm not there, will people just turn and stare at him. My fear is any negative things they may think of him.

A dear friend told me yesterday to write my thoughts down, the good and the bad, and then I can see how things lie. She said that this will certainly help me to focus on the good and to also see where Thomas is having the most trouble and hopefully be able to pinpoint some triggers. I think she is smart! I also hope that by writing here I'm helping someone, I'm educating someone who doesn't know what Autism is or that I'm just helping myself by putting out there what's on my mind. The Team Thomas fundraisers are not only about raising funds for the Autism Society, but about raising awareness this summer. Sometimes it's not all about us, it's about the journey we are on.