This blog I've thought a lot about writing, mostly because it's a two part thing. I'll start with the first part and hope that I can make the two sort of flow together.... I'm not always very good at that. In fact I think that this is rather sad. I've always written that I often had ideas about how I pictured Thomas being when he was first born. I think all mother's do. When you first see them you think all these wonderful thoughts about how they will grow up to be, sort of a flashforward of sorts. We all like to share those moments with family, friends and loved ones. All of your most exciting moments in life, tragedy, birthdays, huge events, etc are all shared with someone. Of course when you are married you share those all with your spouse. Most people have a best friend to share those moments with as well. Growing up I had a best friend. We did everything together, went everywhere and literally shared all of life's ups and downs together. Now as an adult I don't have that anymore. Yes my husband is my best friend, but a best "girl" friend is much different. There is no one to share these moments with, no one to call when I'm having a bad day, no one to go to the movies with, no one to have a cup of coffee with, go for a walk with, no one to pick me up when I'm down or the biggest thing.....for me to help them!
When you have twins they often share a lot. They are together all the time and they just know how to fix things for each other. My daughter does that for Thomas. She has always been there for him and she knows how to solve the problems. However, she has no girlfriends. She doesn't get invited to play dates, she doesn't have a best friend, no one comes over to play with her, etc. I feel bad for her because I remember how wonderful it was to have someone in my life. I hope that by splitting them apart next year and getting Thomas the help he needs, she will be able to form friendships and possibly even find a best friend! Maybe Mom will too....
As for getting Thomas everything he needs, I'm really feeling the need to go to work. I'm feeling very drawn between leaving them but helping to supply our family with certain things. I won't go into great detail here but it's very sad for me and very hard to think that I can't do everything for Thomas that he needs or that we constantly have to ask for help. I really wish that I could find something during the time they are going to be in school and then I can still devote myself to being with him when he's home. It's very difficult to try to "teach" someone else how to deal daily with everything. Not to mention there are still Dr's appointments and therapies, etc. I could work at night but I guess sleep is important. I've thought for years that getting this certain certification was going to solve everything but I now know that it isn't going to fix anything, there isn't going to be anything for me to do.
I'll end all this by saying that I don't know who reads this, I think someone must! Thank you if you do and for today just be there for someone and share their experience, joys, happiness, sadness and most of all love!
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