Hope......

where would I be without any? I'd be lost and I'd never make it through a day. I have to have some kind of hope, at least a little. I've had to have a lot of hope the last several years. I had to have hope I wouldn't die, hope I'd have more children, hope they would live, hope I wouldn't die again, hope that Thomas would be ok and now hope that each every day, each and every minute we can make it through. That's also Faith! I have a wonderful church family that has been supportive. I'm not sure anyone ever truly understands the depth of what happens here on a daily basis. Even blogging about it can't give you a day to day, play by play. Some have been more supportive than others but I always find myself "feeling alone". I just read an article in a magazine where the woman describes her Autistic son and says that in the beginning she had the hope that she could cure him, teach him all those things he was lacking. One day she just realized, you just have to accept that this is how it is and while he can learn to do things he will never be cured. You just have to have hope that you can teach them all they need to know, that no one is going to take advantage of them and that you are making all of the right decisions.

Last week we found out that Thomas will attend the Autistic preschool next year. This means separating him and his sister. This is a huge deal for me and strikes me right in the center of my heart. Let me back track and start by saying that when they were born I had this image in my mind of how things would go.... don't we all? They would go to school together, play together and be best friends. That image is gone. Many people will say (and have said) well that doesn't mean that won't happen. Now this is true, but what I envisioned is no longer there. Any mother of a special needs child can relate. I have hope though that he will do the very best he can and when in Kindergarten he will blow them away. I have hope that his sister will make friends and finally be invited to play with other children her age. I have hope that she will no longer feel the need to watch out for her brother every single day. I have hope that when they come home, they will be each others best friend.

My mind often goes and therefore I can't remember if I mentioned the battle with sleep and medication. I have discovered that for children with Autism and on the Autism Spectrum this is a constant battle. Thomas is one of those. We are in the sleep battle now, not sleeping very well. At age 4 1/2 he can get up multiple times during the night and walk around the house. We have tried some different medicines that are to help with both the tantrums and the sleep. So far they have not been right for him. We are now trying something else, but I have hope. I have hope that we will find what works. I have hope that he will sleep like a normal child or at least all night very soon. I have hope that we will get his behavior calmed down, maybe not completely under control, but better.

If I've learned nothing else through this entire process thus far, I've learned this: Autism is ever changing, it doesn't magically go away and if I had that magic wand I can't tell you I'd use it. Thomas is who he is and who he should be. People are ignorant, but we have the resources to educate them. When it comes to my son, I have hope!