I'm not sure if I know where to begin because I'm so full of so many emotions, but I feel the need to write because it's often the best thing for me. Right now I feel sad, scared, angry, terrified, numb, frustrated. Just so many things and often I don't even know which one I am at the present moment. This whole thing started last week and originally I had decided that I would just not tell anyone except for a couple of people that I had to tell. However, I'm not good at hiding my emotions (not a bad thing) and I feel very strongly about this because I think what I happen to be going through is extremely important. Just like with Thomas and his Autism, sometimes you just have to stand up for what you think is important!
I'll just start at the beginning. Last Wednesday evening while going to bed I happen to do a self breast exam, something I tend to do quite often because there is a history of breast cancer on both sides of my family that I'm aware of. I was quite shocked to actually find a lump in my left breast. I was so shocked that I literally shook my head, rolled over and felt again. I wasn't mistaken and thought I was going to be sick. In all of the years that my GYN has preached to me about checking my own breasts and the fact that I've never felt anything and neither has she, I was floored.
I got up Thursday morning and let my mother know. She thought I should have it checked. I couldn't bring myself to tell my husband. By now, I was completely terrified. I finally told him before he left for work. I drove Thomas to his OT appointment an hour away and drove back home before going to the Dr to have it checked out. The Dr could feel the same thing I had felt, she said that they would have it checked ASAP. She said I needed to have a mammogram and an ultrasound and they would be sending me over to the hospital. By now I'm thinking what the heck is this thing? She assured me that if it was nothing she would let me know, she wouldn't let it linger and if there was anything to be concerned about they would send me to the surgeon. I left in tears. I was scared.
My appointment was the next morning and I had to have the mammogram first at one place and then go over to the hospital for the U/S. My husband went with me. I didn't really talk much, didn't have much to say. The lady doing the mammogram was nice, she tried to make me feel better. She told me my results would be there Monday morning and she hoped everything worked out. The U/S tech just told me to have a good weekend. I was still scared.
My husband and oldest son went camping all weekend and Thomas and his sister hung out with me. I can honestly say it felt like the longest weekend ever. First thing this morning at 8 AM the Dr's office called me. The nurse said they were sending me to the surgeon for a surgical consult. My heart dropped when she said it. She said that all they had back was the U/S, the mammogram wasn't back and that all the report said was "appears to be a cyst". She said she would call at 9AM for the mammogram, she would make my appointment and call me back. I got off the phone and cried again.
The nurse called me back in a couple of hours and asked how I was and when I said Ok she sort of sighed, the mammogram had not been read yet. Of course I'm thinking... why not? She gave me my appointment time for the surgeon, I asked a few questions. She said they were all praying for me (I know all of the staff there) I cried again, I'm really scared.
Some people may say, well this isn't bad news, you'll be fine! You may actually be right, in fact I hope you are right. BUT this isn't happening to you right now. This is me and no one has said to me yet that everything is 100% fine, so until then I'm absolutely terrified. I think I have every right to be. My 30th birthday is tomorrow and I certainly didn't see this coming, this , I keep saying this like there is some word I just can't bring myself to say. I didn't expect for my 30th birthday that I might be sitting here wondering if someone may say to me that I might have cancer, there I said it. It's terrifying, absolutely and utterly terrifying.
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