AHHHHH

That's the sound of me screaming! I'm sure many of you can share in my frustration and anxiety. Let me start by saying that for me (I can only speak for myself) writing, blogging, journaling, any of these is a great release for myself. Some people choose to keep a journal and write all of their thoughts down in it. Others write books and I choose to write here, on my computer and let other people read it because it doesn't bother me and I truly do hope that it helps someone else. Perhaps we have something in common, going through something similar or I can help you and you can help me.... or I can just make you laugh at some of the things that go on in my life. My kids are funny, funny things happen, etc.

So with all of that out of the way, my mammogram report is still not back. So will you join me with the screaming because I would seriously go in the front yard right about now and just sit down in the grass and scream!! WHAT??!!!! Ok so several things come to mind... did they lose it?  Are they lazy? Is it bad?? What the heck people...... My appointment with the surgeon is next Thursday. You know the saying, hurry up and wait. Yes that's me, dying for next Thursday to just get here. I think I may go stir crazy. Days like today when the house is empty, I'm needing to do some cleaning (blah) and I hear "toot and puddle" on the TV.  You can laugh, I should be!

I find myself at odd times when I feel like I just may not be able to breathe. I find myself sitting down and not knowing how I should feel about all of this. I don't really have a feeling, good or bad, just scared. I find myself crying at times. Contrary to popular belief.... I'm going by myself next week too.... Yes yes I know. But I want to go alone. Don't throw anything, I can't run that fast! I do though, my son needs to go to OT and so my husband is taking him (that's important) and then someone needs to stay with his sister and that's my mom and so I'm taking myself. I'm fine, everything will be fine and the Dr will be there. If I need someone that day, I'll call someone. Sometimes it's better to not have your family see you be a complete basket case all of the time.

Ok so moving completely away from this topic, but this is just something I have to get off of my chest because like I said this is my place to be.... me. Last night we said Goodbye to a wonderful person. It was hard she fought with dignity and spirit and she will be missed. As most people know I don't see my biological father or that side of the family..... I really have no idea what I did. Well my sister was at the funeral home last night. She saw me, looked right at me several times and each time turned her head. She never spoke, never raised her hand to wave.  I just would love to know what I could have done to make them hate me so much, that even there at that moment she wouldn't even speak.

I just have to say with everything going on, the things with Thomas, the medical stuff with me (all the years), losing friends to cancer, car accidents, etc, losing family members too, it's just nice to know where I am at this exact moment. I'm walking with God every step of the way, growing more and more as a Christian and learning more than I ever thought possible. I'm involved in things that I never thought I could do or maybe would want to do, but am having the best time every single week. My kids are happy and for the most part healthy. My husband and I are good and it's been 11 years which is amazing to me as to where that time went. I have a wonderful mother and dad who live very close by and help out so much when I need them to. I have great friends that I can count on. Even with bumps in the road, sad times and hurtful things, life is good and there is so much to be thankful for.....even when I want to scream!