This aint easy

I just have to say that being "undiagnosed" is not easy. Having all the symptoms of MS is hard enough but on top of that knowing that there is still no clear answer is hard. I hear all the time from people, usually other MS'ers that it could be that the lesions are too small or "hidden". Makes me feel like there is some time bomb waiting to go off in my head. Not to mention the nagging feeling that I should be taking a disease-modifying drug and can't without a diagnosis. Oh this list goes on and on.

Then, oh then, there is my precious family and friends. Those who refuse to talk about it. As I like to put it, they sweep it under the rug. Let's pretend it doesn't exist and it will go away. Ah, yes, that will happen. I can see it now, if we forget long enough it will magically disappear. Why didn't I think of that all of this time? Here I was thinking to myself that while my hand just couldn't quite grasp that bottle of water, or my face was numb for a few hours or my legs weren't working quite right that if I would just think that it would go away.....it would.

I know I'm being a little sarcastic, Ok a lot! It's just that when you've lived this way since 2003 and here it is 2009 and still no definitive answer you can't help but be a little......frustrated. Most people tell me, oh it's ok to be upset. Well see I'm not really upset in a sense as I'm just downright frustrated with Dr's. I mean if you tell me you are going to do one thing and you think one thing then why not follow through? Why change your mind at the very last second? Well, I actually have an answer for that. My fellow MS group members say... BECAUSE they only practice medicine. Oh I know, that's harsh, but think about it. Everyone's body is not the same. We don't work the same way or get sick the same way. Medicine does not heal us the same or react the same. In fact I should be a living breathing case for that. My body does not like most medication. I have an incredibly hard time with medicines. Also, I'm proof that everything does not go by the book. My 10 surgeries are proof of that. So my MS should go by the book???? Geee.......

Well just something to think about and I actually think about it every now and then like right now as my feet go numb and I can't feel my toes. In a moment I'll get up to go to the living room and have to stumble because I won't know my feet are there. One day at a time I just keep saying and while it sounds like complaining sometimes, I'm smiling! I'm blessed and I'm fortunate!